Last night on the show we discussed (you can listen above) what Olympic event we thought we could compete in, and not completely stick out. Essentially if you watched me compete in an event you couldn’t pick me out as the random blogger/podcaster that clearly doesn’t belong on the court. After much thought, and hours of watching Olympic events (see the things I do for Ball Hogs Radio) I’ve found the event: Team Handball.
I know some of you already writing me off, but stick with me. I clearly know I couldn’t compete in any swimming events. I have just enough swimming ability to save my own life if necessary. So we can cross off water polo too. Zippy chance I could tread water that long. Two minutes into it you’d be dragging my body from the bottom of the pool. While we’re at let’s just knock-out any water events. So diving is out too. I can’t even dive off a regular diving board. No chance I could do from four stories up.
No track and field and events. I consider myself somewhat athletic, but I’d get absolutely smoked in any running event. I’m pretty sure Usain Bolt might be able to lap me in the 100m. As for the longer distances I’ve run a two half marathons (13.1 miles). So I can handle longer distances. With that said I wasn’t exactly flying. I was averaging about 8:30 miles. These guys are running 4:00 minute miles in full marathons. So that’s out. I can’t jump. So the high jump, long jump, are triple jump are all out. Pole vaulting looks difficult, the shot put people are huge, and there is clearly a technique to throwing a javelin (unless I have a special javelin like Lamar did in Revenge of the Nerds (look it up)).
Gymnastics… hahaha. Those dudes are freakishly strong. I would absolutely tear every muscle in my body trying to do the rings. Not to mention I would wreck my balls doing the pommel horse. I’ve never done a flip on purpose on a trampoline. So trampoline is out (side note: the trampoline is an actual Olympic event but Baseball isn’t … smh). To speed this up I’ll list a couple other no go’s:
- Weightlifting- I max out around 225. Not sure that’s going to cut it
- Judo/Taekwondo/Boxing- I’d get knocked out with seconds of the bell being rung. Plus, I’m not about to take a Judo chop to the neck not even for the Red, White, and Blue.
- Wrestling- I’d prefer to not have my foot immediately shoved up my ass.
- Shooting- I’m a half way decent shot on Duck Hunt for the NES, but I imagine it’s a little more difficult than that.
- Basketball- Maybe if I played for Tunisia.
- Volleyball- played it in high school. No chance I could compete on an Olympic level. I get tattooed right in the face on every hit.
- Soccer- I was the fifth best player on my indoor co-ed soccer team.
- Equestrian- Horses scare the shit out of me.
- Rowing- unless I was the coxswain (the guy who sits in the front and yells) I would definitely be out of sync. Not to mention I have nowhere near the upper body to do that. Nor the stamina.
- Tennis/Table Tennis- I would get served to death
- Cycling- For those of you who are aware of my cycling abilities you understand why this one is out.
- Sailing- Your boy gets a little sea sick on small vessels. Plus I’m not bougie enough to have grown up in or around a sailing community.
Ok so that leaves one sport: Team Handball
I’ve watched about 3-4 hours of team handball. Essentially its soccer, but you throw the ball instead of kick it. There doesn’t appear to be any one on one defense. This is key to my thinking. This way I wouldn’t be embarrassed in the open court. It’s mostly zone. I can cover a two to three foot area with the best of them.
The premise of the game is to throw the ball into the back of the net. With the main shot of choice being the jump throw. I know I said I couldn’t jump, but I can definitely jump enough to get a foot or two in the air and throw. Also you throw it at the goalie from about six feet away. Every save a goalie makes in team handball is almost all luck. With this in mind I think I score a goal or two a game. Not to mention players can’t push, run, jump into, trip or hit an opponent. PERFECT. So even if they were bigger than me they really couldn’t use their size against me.
The ball is small. So I could palm it with no question.
A player can hold the ball for only three seconds before passing, shooting, or dribbling. How much could I possibly screw up in three seconds.
What I’m saying is you should expect to see me on the US Handball team in Brazil in 2016…
For those of you who have never seen Team Handball …